Things NOT to say to a carer

 You may think you have good intentions and you may not mean any malice but saying any of the following will feel like malice when your on the recieving end.

1. Have a Rest; Yes because it's that simple I'll just go to bed it won't matter if medication is late or missed or someones sat in faeces/urine for three hours won't hurt it's not as if knowingly neglecting someone so they come to harm is a criminal offense oh wait yes it is...oh what a shame turns out I can't just go and have a rest after all.  Suggesting this shows lack of understanding, empathy, it's patronising because you seem to think I haven't thought of that and insulting that you think I would knowingly cause harm to someone.
2. Have a day or trip out; Paying for the extra care neeeded at £30 an hour are you? No that's a shame because you earn a living wage as required by law unfortunately that doesn't apply to carers we earn pence per hour and free respite doesn't cover those who require support with medication and you all wanted the world back to prepandemic standards that means the govt has continued to ditch funded care in favour of reopening the world to the rest of you who are far more important than those of us saving people from a degrading and appauling death.
3. Take a holiday; This makes me actually laugh, unless I can physically move the house somewhere else it's not going to happen, physical disabilities are not tick boxes just have a ramp and hoist installed will NOT make a holiday disabled friendly.  You need to take into account additional washing, specialist toilet access, specialist refuse collections, medication storage in a separate fridge, generator back up in case of power cuts for that medication, specialist fire exists, some require specially adapted beds that cannot be provided on the open market. The list goes on...it's just not going to happen and tormenting and teasing us with someone that will NEVER happen is cruel bullying.
4. Leave it until tomorrow; Great idea, I'll increase my 22hour day to what 30 just to get yesterdays stuff done only there isn't that many hours to allow me to do it is there and besides things like washing has to happen and in a timely manner because sadly I'm supposed to be disinfecting the machine between washes.  I'm doing my bit for the planet using cloths instead of wipes what flipping more do you want out of me because I can assure you there's nothing more to give!
5. Turn the phone off; oh yes neglecting to go to someone in need is fine isn't it? Your quick enough to bemoan the meidcal professionals when they are delayed but it's fine for an unpaid carer to kill someone isn't it?  Of course it's not have you ever thought about engaging your brain before you speak?
6. Hide away and play music/read; where exactly do you think I can hide too?  It's not as if I can become invisible and even if I did there's still things that cannot be ignored...not everyone has the free will to do as they please regardless of the consequences to others.  All this does is upset me and make me realise just how much I am missing out and how I am at the very least a second class citizen.
7. Ignore requests for help or chores to do be done and do something else;  Well I can assure you nobody else is going to do them for me and however you phrase this one ignoring isn't possible I do however hope someone finds a way to ignore you when you need help!  Besides which what else am I going to do? I wouldn't know where to start or what to do because not having breaks means I never have a choice and that means nothing to fill them with.
8. You should look after yourself better; Exactly what do you think I'm doing? Deliberately trying to harm myself?  It's not easy especially when GPs and other medical practitioners aren't willing to try and understand how complicated things become when they add unncessary stipulations regarding medication etc.
9. Take more exercise; How and when do you propose I do that? In the two hours I pretend to sleep at night?  I'm doing my best I rarely sit down unlike most of you and I already eat as healthy a diet as I can financially afford.  I'm not stuffing myself with chocolates or sweets so don't start the vitruous exercise and healthy food will make things better because the chances are it won't!
10. You choose it so you can't complain; Nobody would actually choose to be so incapable they need someone to do everything for them and thus nobody chooses to be the person who does that especially an unpaid carer who doesn't have any legal support for holidays and breaks or a living wage.  We fall into it, it happens by accident for weeks, months or as in my case decades before I even realised what I was doing.