Self Care

 This entry is inspired by a new hashtag on twitter #WhatMakesACarerCry, every Thursday carers tweet what upsets them using the hash tag.  I decided that I was going to go with Self Care.  

As far as I'm concerned this is the worse phrase on the planet.  If I had the time, money and the thing I wanted to do was legal there is no reason why I can't do something for myself, I don't need a label or reason for doing it other than I enjoy it.  I shouldn't have to justify it to someone else either so as far as I'm concerned if self care involves, reading, craft, walking, photography whatever, I don't need a label for it I do it because I enjoy it.  For this reason I see no reason whatosever why the term Self Care was ever invented.  

As a deaf person I can see how a few things may come under self care but in a different meaning to what I've seen it used as recently, I'm defining it as care for my physical health: 

• Rest: If I'm lipreading or trying to communicate then extra rest enables me to recover quicker, that may come in the form of a nap or just sitting in a dark silent room.  This enables my brain to reover along with my energy levels.
• Limiting the number of people I communicate with at any one time.  This makes things easier to follow and reduces the severity of exhaustion.
• Adequate sleep.  Rest helps my balance because once my brain is exhausted it cannot overide my broken balance bones and I fall and bump into a lot of things.
• Additional equipment, speech to text apps, captions, they all help to clarify what is going on.  A personal favourite of mine is flashing lights whether it's for alarms or to tell me my phone has a message on it.

All these things improve my physcial health, they make me less tired, less likely to get an injury from lack of balance.  Also the more tired and run down someone is the weaker their immune system can be, that leads to more low level illnesses, colds, ear and throat infections all of which take extra toll on a persons body and in the case of ear infections can make hearing loss worse.

As a Carer the current trendy meaning for Self Care is the one thing that makes me feel like I want to murder the person who says it.  There's a few ways that Self Care has been said to me since about a year maybe two years before the pandemic but it's certainly got worse since the pandemic.   So I'm going to list the worst ones and why they are such a horrible thing to say to a carer.

😡 You should try Self Care: take a break:  

🙆HOW? In order to take a break someone else has to be here, are you going to pay someone anything from £20 to £30 an hour to be here? oh yes you read that right, it's more expensive than childcare {which by the way in the UK is subisidised or free depending on the age of your child}. Don't forget on top of that you have to have public liability insurance,  which brings me neatly to the fact that it's just not affordable....you see carers allowance works out at a generous 30pence per hour even with a benefit top up it won't get past £5.6K a year and guess what I still pay ALL bills, I don't get free anything unlike many on benefits!

😡 Self Care: Do something you enjoy.

🙆 It's not that we don't want to, it's just there are different priorities than others have.  For others not hoovering, or not tidying up has no impact for a week or two but carers have added responsibilities.  Not hoovering, cleaning up etc can lead to an increased risk of falls, breathing issues from dust, an extra workload the following day that means what precious little sleep we do get is going to decrease.  Then there's the expense, getting to a library isn't achieveable {see above} so everything including books have to be bought, it all adds up and things are simply too tight to manage it a lot of the time.  Then there's the stress of it all, if you look at my previous posts, carers are judged far more than parents on what the house looks like, that causes yet more stress and more fear until the unable to cope feeling increases making it difficult to get anything done.  

😡Self Care: Get some exercise it's good for physical and mental health.

🙆I heard this one from multiple medical practitioners I even asked them if there was a point when I should give in and just sleep or if it's worth keeping to 22hour days jsut to get an hours exercise. I was told always get 6-8 hours sleep plus 2 hours exercise a day.  As they can't increase the number of hours in a day this was a pointless conversation.  So time is a major issue but so is expense, gym or swimming memberships are laughable as I doubt even a bank robbery would make that sustainable.  It just won't happen so please stop telling me that you know better than me what I can and can't afford and what I have time for in my day.  In the same way, being deaf makes you tube, dvd's etc impossible to follow.

😡 Getting outisde is a cheaper way to embrace self care:

🙆Did you read my first answer or listen when I keep explaining getting out comes at a cost?  Clearly not because yes walking outside maybe free but it's not if you have to pay for care, then there's the I'm deaf I can't hear traffic so I can't walk anywhere near roads it has to be off road and 90% of places have an admittance fee.

😡 Self Care means you can indulge in a bubble bath.

🙆That should thrill the water company, if I'm not already behind on my water bill a bath would guarentee it, same if I showered more often!  Debt causes stress, stress makes everything worse it's really not worth having a bath in the long run.

😡Meditating is good for menthal health and a free Self Care activity.

🙆Seriously? Where and when am I going to find time to sit and meditate, are you going to come and do the dishes, hoovering, laundry, medication etc?  Even if I had time I'm just going to sit and worry about what else I have to do.

😡 Self Care can be things you include in your daily routine like cooking a nourishing meal.

🙆 I have allergies, my caree has eating and swallowing issues our food bills more than high enough we don't need anything else to raise the cost.  There's also health issues to consider so everything is made from scratch and beleive me I love cooking but even I don't have the time let alone the energy to spend ages in the kitchen messing about with something nourshing, exotic, elevated or whatever else the trendy word is.  If your serious about this one pay for the food and come cook it for me!

😡 Moving about more will make you feel good and is great for Mental Health Self Care

🙆 Dear God do you think I sit on my ass all day?  I am constantly moving about to the point I've been made aware I can't even stay still when asleep and frequently end up wriggling around the bed.  On the rare occassion I hear from others it's all about what TV show is popualr, here's what's popular on my tv...anything that means I can snatch a 10min nap or most likely get some more chores done whilst my caree is entertained.

😡Get dressed up, it makes you feel good.  Self Care is about making yourself feel good.

🙆 I'm always dressed I long for the days where I don't have to dress, I might not be dressed up but unless someones about to pay for new clothes for me, it's not going to happen.  If you are going to pay for new clothes for me, can we start with underwear, mines too big I keep hositing my knickers up!

😡 Grattitude: Find something to be grateful for every day.

🙆 I'm grateful I'm still alive, or at least I think I am, some of the time, most of the time no definately some of the time, some of the time I feel sure I am although that could just be wishful thinking or a dream maybe both.  Beyond that I'm tired, I'm fed up, I'm cold, I'm thirsty and quite frankly I want the basisc of human needs met without stress, without guilt and without struggle so shall we just forget the be grateful because right now most if not ALL carers I know are struggling to have basic needs met and until those are met there is NOTHING to be grateful for!

😡 Being Reflective can help you to know what areas of self care to work on and what you are doing well.

🙆 I daren't answer this in full, the list of things to work on could send Blogger into meltdown with a post that long!  We all know what's wrong but for me top of the list is societies attitude towards carers, and this bloody thoughtless and inconsiderate trend of self care.

😡 Turn your phone off is the most frequently recommended piece of self care

🙆Presumably your all familiar with UK law and that neglect is a criminal offense? I can be sent to jail for causing harm to someone or worse death?  That means that I need to use my phone for alerts, even more so as a deaf person as the phone flashes so I'm more likely to notice it than hear a call for help.

😡 Write a Self Care Journal

🙆Sometimes it's really hard to put things into words, sometimes the risk of tears is too much because you know once you start you really won't come back from it and it will make things far worse.  I try to art journal as I find that easier but again it's time and money.  

😡 Improve your selep

🙆This one puts you at risk, I'm likely to hit you. I've known parents of neonates who feed five times a night get more sleep!  It really isn't as easy as that, if it was I'd already be getting the sleep, add in the fact your stating the bloody obvious and my tiredness and I really am likley to swing for you.  Just take a moment and THINK about what you are saying...do you REALLY believe I would give up sleep if I had a choice?

There are plenty more ideas I've heard from, have a massage, see point 1 through to just say no, see the point about turning phones off.  If there's one thing I can recommend it's NEVER EVER mention self care to a carer.  

Another way of looking at Self Care is that it isolates carers further.  I've heard all of the following:

😑 NO I can't spare you ten mins, Self Care it won't do me any good to listen to your woes.

😭 What a carer hears is: your problems are not real problems, your always moaning just get on with it.  Your not genuine so go away, your not good enough to have problems mine are far more important.

😑NO I can't visit you, self care means I don't want to see anything that may be real and make me realise how bad things are for others

😭What a Carer hears: You dont' make enough effort to have a show home, your not social enough, you always let us down with no good reason it's not as if you have kids.

😑NO I don't want to do that, self care I don't do things unless there for me

😭What a carer hears: I'm not helping you, you don't deserve any help at all you deserve to suffer as much as possible.

I'm going to stop there, I think the gist of this self care rubbish has been well and truly made.  If your someone who has the financial stability and the time then self care is amazing, if your a carer then you deserve not to be able to jump on the trend of self care or have any support.  It's really made me realise the lengths society will go to in order to be egocentric and appear to be better than others...the truth is they aren't better than others it's just hard to remember that when things are difficult.