Empty Promises

 Today involved phone calls and as a lipreader I'm now exhausted.  I also feel guilty I've not had any exercise in two weeks, a combination of being so tired I was crying at absolutely everything but also due to an asthma attack.  I got home at the weekend and a neighbour had a bonfire.  I was struggling as soonas I got out the car but only got as far as the front door before collapsing I just couldn't walk any further. I crawled inside and sat inside the door for an hour with an inahler before dragging myself up the stairs to close the windows.  It took all night and then most of Sunday to not need an inhaler regularly.  Nagging in my mind is you should have sought medical help but I've seen all the warnings, 111 are overwhelmed with calls and 999 can't no longer cope and are not physically able to respond to calls anymore...so what was the point? I'd only be adding to their pain and that seemd cruel.  It also scared me because what if I called and they did come and were annoyed I'd made the wrong decision because I didn't really know if I should be calling or not?  All in all I just couldn't face it and the prospect of having the asthma nurse yell at me meant I definately wasn't going to try them on Monday.  Instead I've let it slowly improve by itself.  


The guilt keeps on building I should but haven't washed the floor.  I should but haven't changed bedding...I'm struggling to get everything dry and clothes comes before bedding.  Dishes are never ever up to date, the oven seal has broken and needs repairing before it can be used properly.  


I guess I'm just tired and what I really need is a rest which brings me to the reason for this post.  Empty Promises.  


Months ago the GP's said we'll support and contact the relevant people to put some respite in place....as did Devon Carers...great but they can't give medication and the GP won't back down...someone has to be here to give medication.  The community nurses came because of an open wound on the leg, great the first one was horrified at the lack of paid and qualified carers and was going to make calls....as usual nothing came of that either.  A second nurse returned twice but bar a comment of your lucky it's home cooked meals nothing changed.  A third nurse complained because I needed to fetch gloves which meant leaving her alone.  A fourth wasn't bothered about anything at all and the empty promise of sorting some care so I can go out has gone...along with all the other empty promises.  


That's what happens ALL the time...empty promises.  Nothing changes, and I'm still feeling like a prisoner whose never going to achieve all the meidcal profession expect to to be achieved.  The feelings of useless and worthless are high today and whilst I know rationally it's just that I'm tired I don't think it's going to change any time soon.  So I am left with the guilt of feeling negative and being a horrible person and wondering when I stop having hope that things may change and accept it's never going to happen because I'm not worth it...I'm just a carer...totally invisible, undervalued, dissmissed and ignored by society and those in power.


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