Christmas

 It's that time of year when everyone is looking towards large gatherings and being with loved ones for Christmas and as exciting as that is for the majority it really isn't that easy for either a deaf person or a carer, combine the two and it's possibly more stressful than anything else they have face all year.  I want to discuss, no TELL you about the stresses that make this time of year far worse than the rest of the year.  

Lets start by addressing the fact that this years Christmas will be the first in the MODERN world during a pandemic, {Previous generations have experienced many Christmases and new years with a pandemic} and how that will alter the experience.

Currently the rules say that social distancing and rules regarding meeting up indoors will be suspended.  What does that mean for a carer?

Respite will automatically be restored:

Well no actually respite won't be restored, this is because of an increase in those needing care since the pandemic started and thus there aren't enough paid carers to provide respite.  Also those of who previously fell into the category of no care covers your area haven't moved and thus nothing covers are area over Christmas either.

You can have friends and family over

Well no technically nothing has changed there either my days are still long, the chances are even longer because of those extra jobs...you know decorating the tree, writing Christmas Cards, delivering or posting cards etc.  ALL those jobs come on top of my normal day so actually my day's get longer not shorter and thus any time I could have squirreled away are being used already so I still won't be seeing friends and family.

There's also the fact that Covid will not go away for Christmas and by inviting people over I'm knowingly putting my caree at risk...is that murder? Manslaughter? Either way it's not good is it? Knowingly presenting someone with a death sentence so for everyone's safety there will be no visits this Christmas.

Well that solved the Christmas during a pandemic questions but what about a normal Christmas whilst caring and being deaf?

Decorations

Nothing changes, all those decorations, cards, any extra food prep all comes on top of my normal 14-18hour days.  However being deaf really does add extra stress with decorations.  Flashing lights are my biggest stress at Christmas.  All my safety alarms {clock, smoke, Co2 alarms} all flash lights at me rather than make a noise that I cannot hear.  That means when well meaning people leave their flashing lights going outside there houses all night...everytime I fall asleep I wake with a jolt {imagine that 3am phone call that you fear is someone telling you someone has died} and immediately start looking for the fire, gas leak.  Then you realise it's just the Christmas Decorations you sigh and try to go back to sleep but are on edge waiting for it to happen again.  If you do fall asleep the process starts all over again.  It's really difficult, black out curtains don't fit tight enough to the window and a flash can sneak past them making it just as bad.  For a deaf carer whose getting less sleep than most people take away more sleep and things become extra difficult and that is without the physical and mental health impacts of lack of sleep.  This year because of the Pandemic there's been a country wide consensuses that decorations should go up early and that means that although we are only 10 days into December decorations have been flashing for around 3 weeks already.  Six weeks is bad enough but this year it's going to be nearer 10.  I'm tired, grumpy and utterly fed up that I'm not even half way through this stress and lack of sleep.  In previous years I've barely managed to cope through the six weeks and have had to stay elsewhere where someone who can wake me if the smoke alarm sounds is around, this year the pandemic means I can't do that.  Carers often have lights or noises that alert them to their caree waking or needing help during the night, flashing external lights can impact their sleep as well as that of a deaf person.  External Christmas Lights are torture to a deaf person and there seems to be no consideration by others regarding it...Christmas lights evoke the most selfish and intolerant of others nature in people.

Respite

Previously I have had some respite {although it was hit and miss and often cancelled at the last minute} this allowed me to go off and either present buy or do something else, generally I did something else and loved seeing the decorations at Killerton National Trust.  The last two years regardless of the pandemic I have not had any proper respite and thus no chance to do either present shopping or the admiring of decorations.

Food

Previously I have shopped in store as getting a Christmas Delivery is impossible, I've always found this VERY hard.  I have food allergies that are severe so I have to read EVERY label without fail, being deaf makes getting out the checkout REALLY difficult.  I've been told to leave some stores because it's intimidating to the checkout worker to be asked repeatedly to repeat the price because I can't hear.  It's stressful and triggers deaf anxiety every single time.  This year I've found how much easier it is to shop online and more importantly that it's far more beneficial for my mental health {my confidence dips dramatically when I suffer from deaf anxiety and it's very difficult to get it back} if I don't go into store. With that in mind I have taken a delivery saver plan with Sainsbury {the best supermarket for allergy friendly food but also the only store who has gone out their way to aid me shopping in store}and have got a Christmas delivery. Due to allergies everything is home made so cooking and baking are already factored into my long days and having a delivery saves me an hour driving to and from the store plus shopping time so it really does help to keep my days at there usual length rather than adding an extra 3 hours shopping to them.

Presents

As with all carers funds are tight but shopping around and earlier means you can take advantage of sales but also the gifts you give are about thought rather than monetary value, something I often feel guilty for because today the person you are is often measured by the material things you have in your life and those you give others.  Being deaf shopping becomes difficult and thus the end result is not as tailored to the person as you at first dreamt/hoped it would be.

Friends and Family

Sometimes my Dad visits, not often on Christmas day or Christmas eve but he will phone...phone calls make me exhausted but he's dyslexic and thus cannot text so I try hard to manage the calls.  I rarely have friends or family visit at Christmas, I might see a friend briefly for half an hour or an hour but in recent years as the care required has increased that hasn't happened.  In today's modern world that shouldn't be so bad but everyone's busy and because I can't keep "chasing" or make the effort {I'm told if I don't make the effort then nobody else should} then months or more can easily pass before I speak to them. I feel guilty, mainly because it feels like I'm using them so then I don't contact through guilt but that adds to the guilt and so I keep going round in circles.  Basically Christmas is as lonely as any other time of year for Carers, only the adverts and societal expectations of being with or contacting friends and family make carers feel more guilty and much more lonely than usual.  As a deaf carer I find having more people around only serves to make it more exhausting and much more difficult to communicate, my natural instinct is to pull away from that which doesn't help in the not contacting anyone and feeling guilty circle either.  

TV

TV is almost as important as the presents at Christmas but for me it depends entirely on if there are captions {most channels do NOT have captions} so that means there is a limited amount of TV I can watch and participate in. Due to this I'm much happier with books {that however is a whole other post} which are an antisocial hobby so are best avoided at Christmas.

Wow well that sums up the main aspects of Christmas but there is also the rest of the mundane things a carer will need to do that are done day in day out regardless of whether or not it's Christmas.  Carers, deaf or otherwise don't get holidays or time with friends and family they just carry on silently and often unappreciated by those who don't understand how much of a physical and mental strain it is daily without adding in societal expectations surrounding holidays, Religious Festivals and Monetary value.  

If you can give one gift this Christmas it's be kind, understanding and supportive of unpaid carers and especially deaf unpaid carers...turn off those Christmas lights and make the effort to check in and so how they are, tell them it doesn't matter if they haven't managed to make the effort to contact you and that you know they care and you care for them regardless.